Did You Remember to Make a LIfe Today?

Back into the questioning place.  After a few challenging weeks at the office, a gift I purchased for a friend who  escaped yesterday keeps sticking in my mind.  It was a small wooden sign with "never be so busy making a living that your forget to make a life" painted on the front of it.

Hmmm.   The wheels in my sleep deprived, overworked and stressed out brain are spinning- much like  a sugar jagged 2 year old after a birthday party.    I chipped in for the office powerball pool and can't help but think about what I"d do if  work was by choice, rather than by force.    

As I read the emails going around about everyone's plans should we win,  it just drove home how much I DON'T  fit in with the majority of the people I see daily.   The guys were all about the sports cars,  boats  and season skybox seats at sporting events.  My boss was all about the shoe and bag collection and helping her family.    Almost everyone said they wouldn't work another day.  EVER.   I got a lot of WTF? replies when this was my response....

I won't be in Monday.  Taking Dad to the Mercedes dealer to repay every sacrifice, extra job and generous thing he's done to help me- with interest.   And then, I will begin to work again- in a capacity that provides comfort, care and service to those in need.    

No desire for a big fancy house, luxury car or more stuff.   My dream home is  under 2000 sqf,  a well designed cottage. In fact, tucked into my bookshelves is a notebook that has the house plan that I clipped out of a magazine 10 years ago.    It is just big enough to provide a master suite, dedicated guest room with bath, a great kitchen and a room that would become my craft studio.   There's a cozy alcove with built in bookshelves and room for a comfy chair, reading lamp and a table to rest my mug of tea.   One floor.  Wider hallways and doorways.  Shower that could accommodate a wheel chair or walker.   Right- small house, less stuff.  More  life. 

But I'm a practical girl.  While it's nice to dream about winning numbers,  I live in the real world.  It's rough, gritty and often cruel- but I can work with that.  It is my job, it isn't my Work.  Job is soulless, often thankless.   But what I see as my Work in the world is the polar opposite.   I think the creativity was a gift, given so that I could help others now that I can't physically handle Habitat for Humanity and soup kitchens.   There is a lot of comfort and help given to others with a skein of yarn, a crochet hook and a few hours of work.  

What does Making A Life look like?  If you could release the stranglehold of working for daily survival and do anything at all,what would you do?

Back in time, fast forward ahead

I've come to the conclusion that my world has grown much smaller over the past several years, while others around me have seen their worlds grow much larger in scope.   And the challenge is not to be resentful or jealous.   Well hell, nobody ever said being human was easy.  Maybe I'll get lucky and come back as one of my godpuppies in the next life.

I was hope sick with pneumonia again and had a small burst of energy.  I was looking for a folder of sewing patterns but found something else in the process.  One last folder of college/graduate school papers.   This must have been part of a career counseling workshop during senior year.  Never doubt- the Universe does have divine timing and a sense of humor.   I guess I needed a visit with my 20 year old self last week to restore perspective.  

Some of the list:
Complete a masters in elementary education
Make a positive difference in kids' lives
Become a special education teacher/ guidance  counselor
Help others in a meaningful way
Have a family
Restore my dream house
Be a service dog puppy raiser
Travel
Learn to sketch
Learn to cook
Stay in shape
Continue learning
Keep in touch with friends
Be independent in everything
Be secure in  who I am
Make those who doubt I can succeed eat their words
Stay involved with community service projects
Spend time with the elderly and the very young
Keep laughing through my challenges
Embrace life for what it is- even when it sucks 

It was interesting to see how my 20 year old vision measures up against my approaching 44 year old reality.   I've accomplished some of this list.  Other goals didn't happen.   Some may still be possible.   Dad and I have been talking about end of life plans- for him, for my sister and for myself.  Life is unpredictable and these conversations need to happen while everyone is capable.   Revisiting this list reminded me to not allow my world to get too small.  

That 20 year old had some wise ideas about how to live life.   Maybe I should start tackling this list again- with purpose. 
 

Is it over yet?

New Years Eve 2012

Well the world in general didn't end, but my world certainly changed.   As always, my heart and thoughts turn to Mom.   Her final 2 weeks on this earth began on New Years Eve and ended on January 15, 2004.   There have been many days over this past year where I've wished I could pick up a phone or see her in person for a heart to heart.   Or a good solid kick in the ass.  She was amazing at both and always seemed to know what was required. 

I can't say I've enjoyed 2012 all that much.  

January brought an awareness that my health is precarious and that I needed to make some tough choices about where my energy was invested.

February brought frustration about my job and lack of advancement- and the slim pickings of anything to improve the situation.

March saw family begin to experience health issues.  And the realization that things were about to change in a major way. 

April brought a test of love and faith we sent Jeff off for a wonderful new job opportunity. 

May and June were a blur of hospital visits for family members, and learning to adjust to life without my brother from a different mother no longer around the corner.  And growing tension from someone I trusted and considered a friend.

July brought the passing of a dear childhood friend.  It was unexpected and Jannie left behind a beautiful, spirited little girl.   If I could turn back time and change one event, I wish I could bring her back for Rosalie.   Through the loss came a gift- an opportunity to help others in a very real, creative and unique ministry.

August brought the end of my spiritual//social network and the loss of what I thought was a good, positive friendship and a opportunity to stretch my mind in new directions.   The tearing away was brutal, coming so soon after Jannie's death and Jeffi's move. 

We weathered Sandy, the Frankenstorm from hell, picked up the pieces and then got rocked to our core on December 14th.   Newtown is our neighbor.  We got a reminder about what matters.  And a lesson in forgiving.  I"m busily crocheting monsters for the children of Sandy Hook and keeping the families close in my thoughts as I try to find something kind to do for another person every day.   I am reminded that my car accident is nothing compared to what those families are going through this holiday season.   I need to get over my aggravation and be grateful.

 On Christmas Eve, I had my first real car accident and my beloved Baloo was totaled.  The accident was scary. All I can do is be grateful that the pedestrian crossing in front of my stopped car was clear before I got rammed from  behind.   Nobody was hurt. I collected my plates, belongings and paperwork on Friday.  The autobody shop owner was kind. He didn't laugh at me when I started bawling when he put the plates in my hands.   I really don't like SUV's now.- but that didn't stop me from test driving a couple- self defense can be a good thing.   And I got a reminder that help is there- but you have to ASK for it.   My dad is amazing- he immediately took all the panic, worry, stress and fear about the replacement away.   Thanks to him, I bring home a safe, solid and reliable new car today.   I couldn't find anything that fit into the settlement check amount from the insurance company.   I know, it's just metal, glass and plastic- but I loved my Civic.   I picked her out and paid for her all on my own.   Felt like I was sending a dear friend off to the scrapheap.  Not a good feeling.

And in the midst of all that chaos, came reconnections and new opportunities to work in creative, spiritual paths.   There's a new connection with Holy Needles, the work with the Spiritual Care department in the hospital, no additional injury from the car crash and relief that once I get over my stubborn independance and ask for help, dad was there for me.   There just aren't words enough- he took all the stress, worry and panic away.

I face 2013 a changed person, some for the better some not.  There are fears to face, blessings to count, anger to release, grudges to bury, new experiences to enjoy, memories to savor and visits to anticipate.


Welcome 2013.... may you bring us peace, love, joy,  patience,  tolerance- and SUV repellant.

Bitter Medicine, Sweet Cure

Sometimes those choices need to be made.  I hope it was the right one and I found the words to best get through what is in my heart. 

The Tower walls are falling and I wonder what the rebuild will look like this time. 

A lot of loss, some invaluable life lessons learned and now we see what comes next.

Giving Back

Tsedakah- or performing acts of kindness and charity for others, with no motive for gain for yourself is a large part of Judaism.  I readily admit, I've grown away from my religious roots as I've grown older, but recent events shook me back into remembering those early lessons.

While I fervently wish that it didn't take the passing of a dear, childhood friend to remind me, I'm viewing this as a gift from a very difficult loss- or perhaps a much needed celestial kick in the tush.   This weekend, I started my first projects for our local NICU.  My friend was a NICU nurse and fought hard to help those tiny babies grow strong and go to their families.   She often spoke of how grateful the unit was for anything soft, lovely and handmade to give to the families.  It was a small comfort for families going through a difficult, emotional experience.

So, I got my answer to what can I do to honor her memory and help others in need.   Two phone calls later and I have a donation wish list from my local hospital's wish list for the NICU.  I'm crafty, have materials on hand and time.   There is a need- for preemie sized blankets, hats, booties, mittens and onesies.  Sewing a bunting or simple blanket takes very little time.  I know I can make toys, little quilts and put those crochet hooks and skeins of yarn to good use.  Even rosaries and prayer beads as well.

There may be a few tears in the first few projects, but a whole lot of love too.

And Jannie, if you're watching from above... thank you for the reminder.   This is a much better use of time and energy.   Smile down and bless my hands dear friend.   They have a lot of work to do.

And the clock ticks faster than the Tasmanian Devil on a Pixie Stix Rush.....

Boy does time fly- and in 10 short days, we send Jeffri off to the wilds of Alexandria, VA.  We took a pilgrimage to Mecca (Container Store) for  boxes and other moving supplies.  At the counter, there was a blurb about how to survive sending your kid off to college.

How about one for sending friends off to new ventures?

How I spent my winter "vacation"

Well, it is a more positive spin on being on doctor ordered house arrest due to a serious bout of pneumonia.   Apparently, prednisone is a great creative kick in the pants and I ended up creating 70 tarot bags.  I've been playing with applique, bead embroidery and quilting for rebels techniques for a while now, but all of a sudden, it all came together.   I love playing with pairing different fabrics together and working in miniature just makes it a greater challenge.   

Jeffri and I often joke about locking the Inner Perfectionist in the basement with Robert's Rules of Order.  I learned to do this years ago.   When you have learning differences, you almost have to accept that  perfection is not going to happen.    It's more about the process than the end result for me.  I never fail to learn from each project- and that is really what the creative process is about- at least in my little corner of the world.

The four bags pictured here came out of a personal testing- they are works of faith and a gift from Spirit and my Creative Muse.    Better known as the Divinely Demanding Duo.

First is Fire Fairy.  She is surrounded by carnelian and citrine beads.   The original version/vision included a fairy wand with a toasted marshmallow star on top.  I blame the codeine based cough syrup and thankfully, had a "revision".

Next, is Water Fairy.  She has freshwater pearls and cradles a baby dolphin in her hands.  Of the four, she was the greatest technical challenge.  Very difficult to piece the image together.   The trim is actually shells and pearls.   Love the fabrics in this bag- I guess I found my inner mermaid.

Little Miss Airy Fairy with a lapis and blue lace agate wand.  She was the first one to come into vision.  I wish I could float above without a care in the world.  The inspiration for this one?  A mostly forgotten dream but the only part I remember was clearly hearing, 'LOOK UP!"

And perhaps my favorite of the four.  I am a water baby by birth but a gnome at heart.  I love this happy little gnome surrounded by tiger eye and peridot.   He was a bit of a challenge as well, but I love the richness of the fabric and pop of the flowers in the ribbon.

Are they perfect?  Not by  a long shot.  Do I love them- absolutely.  It will be hard to let my babies go, but that is also part of the creative process.  For someone's tarot or oracle decks, I hope these will provide a happy home and inspire great readings.

And the Demanding Duo is already poking me with ideas for the next crop of tarot bags.   For now,  I savor the rare sight of bare coffee table and not having plastic bins of fabric exploding all over my apartment.

Rising from the Tar Pit.. sort of

The first two weeks of January tend to be a challenging time of year.  I spent most of the this weekend alternating between laughter and tears as I absorb that Mom left this world 8 years ago.   Our relationship was good, but complicated, as mother-daughter relationships often are- she was strong willed, opinionated and her vision of my life didn't always jibe with my own.   There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about mom and miss her.

What shook me out of it a bit, was an email sent my my cousin in law.  My uncle has alzheimers and now my cousin needs to sort out what is best for him.   And, her mother is in need of surgery.  Another friend just lost her beloved uncle.  And my boss's younger brother is terminally ill.  For the first time, I find myself grateful that while Mom's death was completely unexpected, she was spared Alzheimers, which I think was where she was heading.  We were already seeing some early memory loss and other signs.  

Our parents are aging- and it is a bittersweet experience.  My relationship with Dad is cordial, but distant.  He's very much living in present tense and happy.   He has a warm, loving girlfriend and her extended family including her great-granddaughter.   Life just didn't deal the cards we hope they will, but he's a great example of making every day count.

When asked how I felt about the new year, my answer was disconnected.  My resolution is to reconnect.  And figure out how to make my days count for something more important than moping in my own tar pit.

Bullies need not call here

There is no place in our world for bullying anyone- for any reason.  Done.  End of Rant.

PAY ATTENTION!!!!

This one is a rant.    Last weekend, my hatred of cell and smartphones was 100% confirmed, justified and I will avoid buying one. My car and I nearly became hood ornaments for a Mercedes SUV.  I find myself angry- and that is building on frustration from an earlier encounter.

But I digress.   Woman in SUV, with a baby in the car was too busy yakking on her phone and backing up full speed out of a parking spot to bother looking behind her.  She was so engrossed, she failed to hear my horn blasting to get her attention.  There was no other place for me to go, given other drivers were pulling out of spaces as well.  Finally, she wakes up,  slams on her brakes missing T-boning  my driver side by 2 inches.  And proceeded to get in my face, telling me it was my fault she nearly hit my car.

I offered to call the police and she settled down. Maybe had something to do with the fact she had least 2 drinks with lunch?  No apology.  What the hell is wrong with people?  To drive intoxicated, distracted and put your child, yourself and others at risk?  Very scary.

How I miss the days before those damned phones became a focus of our lives.  Only a few weeks before, I took a day off to spend with a friend- who proceeded to spend the greater part of the day texting on her Droid.  It drives me crazy when I am at dinner with people and they are more involved with the !@#$ing phone than with me.   Ok- I get that your business requires it- but I consider it extraordinarily rude.  Check before we sit down- or once an hour if you must, but if someone takes time off to spend with you, put the bloody phone away.

Worse are the distracted drivers.  NO phone call, text message or email is more important than focusing on what's happening around you in a moving vehicle.  If you are driving, I beg you to put the phone down.  Hands free too- people get involved in the conversation and end up too distracted.

As for the woman who almost killed me last weekend- I forgive you.  Now please for  your sake, your child's and everyone else out on the road around you, stop using the phone while you're driving and call for a safe ride home.

Birthday Mischief

My inner imp took over during dinner with my family on Wednesday. It was prompted by a Facebook conversation Tuesday night. My little sister in spirit wants to give me the everlasting birthday gift of a tattoo.

It made me think of the stencil that was done years ago in Little 5 Points, while I was working in Atlanta. I wimped out, but the tattoo artist was gracious and gave me the stencil in case I changed my mind. It is tucked away somewhere in my apartment- it is actually a very beautiful drawing of a Zuni bear.

A generous, tempting offer from Sarah- but I am not in the market for ink. What I couldn't resist was a golden opportunity to devil my dear old dad a little bit. Must confess, that was a lot of fun last night.

I so rarely indulge the imp in me- and it did keep the conversation flowing through dinner. Truly, he was horrified at the idea, but I got the feeling he was egging me on as well.

It did get me thinking though- I know a lot of people with ink. I've read both of Kat Von D's books and admire her considerable artistic abilities. A friend of mine had a bi-lateral mastectomy at 32. Instead of reconstructive surgery, she translated the garden that she loves and was a vital part of her recovery into a tattoo celebrating her 5 year free anniversary. A former co-worker of mine actually went to Miami Ink and got tattooed by Chris Nunez. While I wouldn't have picked what she did, it was an amazing bit of art.

Certainly see the appeal- just can't get over the fear of the needle. And I rather like my pale, ink free vampire like skin.

No, I have no desire to lose my tattoo virginity, but maybe I'll change my mind for my 50th birthday!

Day of Rest?

I tried.. really I did. After attending one of the best parties ever yesterday, I am tired, in pain and sorely need down time to regroup for the work week ahead.

The best I managed was a lazy morning, reading in bed until 10. And then I started to feel guilty about all tasks on my to do list- which were dancing merrily in a can-can line through my head. There's only one way to stop it- get up and tackle the list.

On the list: finish restocking supplies, organize the walk in pantry, start the tidying up for the cleaning service, go through fabric, repair a pendulum and oh yes, take some down time.

My resolve was good. I took care of the pantry. Then I went down for the mail and all my to-do motivation was shot to hell. In my box were some reordered pendulum supplies, our long awaited Fantoid decks FINALLY, and the worst temptation of all... a brand new tarot deck ordered from Europe. And I can't open it until our April Tarot class. Yes, the suspense is going to be unbearable. I don't think I can even open the envelope because then it will be all to easy to open that deck.

Which leads me to my question of the day... when did we stop honoring our Day of Rest?

Welcome to Camp Fairydogmother

I had the most wonderful week taking care of Jack this year. It was a whole series of new experiences for him.

The first weekend, he met his Great Auntie Florence and we took Jack to the beach for his first experience of running on sand. It was a beautiful day and there is just something magical about watching Jack explore and play in a new environment. I am sure he would have happily gone swimming if I let him near the water. He was also hell bent on contributing to dinner by catching a seagull. It took a bit of convincing, but he finally listened when I told him that rat with wings was not good eats.

We both enjoyed social hours at Candlewoof Park. Thank you Kimberly Clark, the town of New Milford and the generous dog lover who donated fencing and land. There is now a safe, fenced in puppy playground 6 minutes from Jack's home. It was wonderful watching him play with all the other dogs large and small. Fuzzbug had a big doggy smile on his face and his stumpy tail never stopped wagging.

And then there are the trips to pick out special toys and treats- because it is in the godmommy rule book of course. He is a lot of fun to watch- he's good, doesn't get greedy and there is usually one special toy that captures his heart.

I have to say the best overall adventures in babysitting this time were seeing him greet Florence, watching House and just being able to spend time with my 'bug with no other worries for a few days.

Some folks wouldn't consider it much of a vacation, but for me it was perfect.

I share this beautiful photo of Jack, bringing light and joy to Great Auntie Florence.


And thank you Jack's Mommy and Daddy for giving this divine little soul a wonderful home and life.

And now, to see what inspires for Fuzzbug's Christmas bag of fun.

Epiphany

This week, I met with a new therapist. The Lyme's disease brings lots of things into my life including rounds of intense depression and agoraphobia. And yes, let's not forget more pain all through my body. It's been a rough summer in a lot of ways and finally, someone listened and retested me for the learning disabilities. I just knew that somewhere in that gift of challenge was part of an answer. Wait for it.....

I'm mildy autistic. While my exact diagnosis isn't set yet, it doesn't matter. It explains so much of why I struggle in social settings, have difficulty meeting eyes and a lot of other stuff that has puzzled me over the years. Not upset at hearing this in the least. Having an answer is a major relief. I'm not dissolving into the background. It is one of many facets that make me who I am. In truth, I'm feeling fortunate to have part of the puzzle in hand. And, thanking my stars that it isn't a severe form.

I'll never be a MENSA member, comfortable as the life of the party, learn something with ease or run the universe. And, I am fine with that. The point being, I can tap into my creativity and work around the blocks. Easy? No. It will require me to let go of a lot of fear, raises anxiety levels with any changes- but I've also been given a deep pool of strength. I'll jump in trusting there's enough to keep me swimming along in the pool. It takes a lot of everything to live life. Always remembering that I DO know how to swim!

Ah Epiphany! The gift of the autism and learning disabilities is my creativity. Sometimes what you aren't given leads you to something greater.

The flip side is learning how to handle the anxiety, depression, physical pain and other stuff without chemical intervention.

The last time the depression and pain increased, the prior psychiatrist insisted on trying mood stabilizing drugs coupled with a second pill to work on the physical pain from lymes and fibromyalgia. The first round left me with tics, the second did nothing, the third almost killed me. After realizing it was the medication making me suicidal, I did what you are not supposed to do- took myself off everything immediately. After that, I started searching for a non=pill pushing therapist. And, came to the decision that I'd rather be alive, sometimes depressed and in pain then dead. Keep the pills.

Being a student of the metaphysical realm now, it got me thinking about what the depression, lymes and everything else is trying to teach me. As usual, that was WAY too overwhelming for my brain, so I pulled 3 tarot cards. The question? How do I heal my body and what am I afraid to hear?

The answer- and you just have to love the tarot.... 4 of Swords, The Hermit and The Wheel of Fortune.

Rest and repose ( the card shows an effigy of a knight)
Solitude
Everything can and will change- cycles of life and seasons, karma

Yes, I am afraid to simply rest. My dreamtime tends to be vivid, intense and anything but restful. Yes, I am afraid at times, that I am too much of loner and happily ensconced in my crystal filled bear cave for one. And whoooo boy- the Wheel is always a challenge card for me. It's easy to jump on and embrace the upswings- a lot more challenging to do the same with the downswings- and later be grateful for the gifts that come out of the darkness.

I took this journal reading with me to my last appointment. I think finally I found one who isn't so quick with the pill pad. While I'm not so happy to be back on the therapy wheel again, I think this one may be a good match for me. He pulled some interesting insight for me out of that little reading. I have a long road ahead- but hopefully, I learn to walk it as a more complete, healthier and enlightened person.



One can always hope!

Kibbles and Bits and a bit of a Ramble

I recently met the new addition to the family. My cousin is the proud mommy of a gorgeous, coal black standard poodle puppy. We passed a nice evening, walking Shadow through the park, having dinner out on my deck and basically catching up with each other.

We went to Cranbury Park- a place that is near and dear to my heart. It was after all, my temple, a sanctuary where Muji and I spent many happy hours wandering the trails, enjoying a picnic lunch and meeting friends- human and canine. Watching Shadow explore a new dimension in his young world was such a pure moment of joy.

And, it reminded me of how much I miss Muji- godpuppy number 1 who taught me everything I needed to know about being a fairy dogmother. Those stolen hours on a Saturday were often my only hours away from work, family and other obligations. Once, someone at work was trying to get me to go to her church. My reply was thank you, but I worship in the Temple of Dog. While it was meant as a polite, funny response out of an awkward 'recruitment' situation, I've come to realize just how much truth was in my reply.

Muji taught me how to slow down, relax and savor time. He was funny- one of his best tricks was playing nose soccer with a won-ton dumpling. He, like me had lots of Gemni moments. There were times where he couldn't decide which toy he wanted and tried to carry both in his mouth at once. He was heaven to have on the foot of the bed at night, especially when it was cold. Being part chow, border collie and keeshond, he was warm, fuzzy, non judgemental and didn't snore. He was the master teacher of unconditional love. The photo is one of my favorites- it just shows his sweet personality to perfection.

Now, I carry all his precious lessons with me and Jack gets to have all the fun. My current godpuppy is a wonderful little fireball of energy, who also slows down long enough to snuggle and watch House reruns. I live for the times when I get to babysit. We go for rides, explore doggy friendly parks, take trips to the puppy toystore and in general, have a weeklong slumber party.

Ah, back to a place where life is simple- happiness is a dancing doggy happy to see you, a full jar of peanut butter dog treats and time to wander cool, leafy trails.

Stillness

It is interesting to see the stillness that arrives with Christmas Day. All the bustle, activity, frenzy and "have to get it all dones" cease. And the majority of the world who celebrates the holiday finally breathes long enough to actually, well celebrate the spirit of the day.

For those of us who don't celebrate Christmas, we get a lot of curious questions about what we do instead. The traditional Jewish Christmas is usually a drive around the empty main drags and a movie followed by Chinese food. I've spent the bulk of the day doing laundry, working through a whole lot of house clutter, finishing off a project and now, just now, finally settling into stillness.

Christmas reminds me of that one breath of moment on Yom Kippur, just as the first star appears and the shofar is blown for the final call- it is when the gates of heaven are open and your transgressions are forgiven- and you step over the threshold of a new year, ready for a fresh beginning.

Solstice is much the same- but this year, I was not physically or energetically able to join within meditation or celebration. The message came through- BE STILL.

So, I embrace the challenge to now let go, relax and be still.


Blessings on this Winter Solstice and Christmas 2009
Rachel

8 Days of Chanukah... and a Blizzard!

Today was our family Chanukah party. In years past, this major family event was hosted in Greenwich Village by our great aunt and uncle. There were lots of games, food, family and of course, the gifts. I remember those parties very well- the dreidal games, my great aunt's bottomless candy dishes and great aunts and uncles who loved nothing more than indulging the grand-nieces and nephews. What touched us the most was that my sister was always remembered by some of the great aunts and uncles, even though she went into institutional care at age 6.

Now sadly, Nanny and Pappy have crossed over- where Nanny is no doubt winning bridge hands and Pappy is entertaining at the piano. And yet, the more things change, the more things stay the same. But, I always miss them most this time of year- because the family Chanukah party is part of my earliest memories- and they continued well into adulthood-the Robins/Himmell family are tough old birds. Every single one of them made it to at least 94.

My aunt and uncle have taken over the tradition now. There are young cousins- and it is comforting to see them enjoy as much as we did. It doesn't matter that they are celebrating Christmas and Chanukah. What does matter is that my cousins are allowing my aunt to instill those good family memories in the kids. My aunt went all out- the tablecloth, napkins, condiment spreaders were all Chanukah themed. She really lives for these family events- and I know how hard it is on her physically. So, I am grateful for the effort- even though my inner Pagan is screaming, "STOP THE HOLIDAY MADNESS!"

Today, we gathered around the table to kosher deli, homemade applesauce and potato latkes. We lit the menorah, sang the candle blessings and traditional songs. My cousins and I sat on the floor with the kids and played dreidel for gold chocolate coins. We were surrounded by photos of all the great aunts and uncles, so it was kind of like old times again. I never could figure out how 150 people squeezed into Nanny and Pappy's apartment, but somehow it worked.

And, finally, the kids got their rewards. Oh boy, did they get their rewards. Much as I bitched about the extra holiday shopping, when the kids opened their ITune and Build A Bear Cards, it was all worth it. And, I got a surprise gift- the girls' parents are setting up a date for the kids to go to the big Build A Bear store on 5th Avenue- and invited me to come along for a very special shopping trip.

I am reminded that family is very important- and while I still prefer the peace and tranquility of my friends' company, slowly we grow closer as adults than we ever were as kids.

Some very nice moments this afternoon- and Dad, wisely kept his distance. And now, I'm unplugging and enjoying our blizzard.

Blessings,
Rachel

Spin Little Spider, Spin

At all too early o'clock this morning, I was staring at my bedroom ceiling watching a spider busily weaving a web in one of the corners.

My first thought was what the hell am I doing up so early. The second: Girl, get this house cleaned up now! And, the third was a bit more profound- wow, the patterns in that web are stunning- beautiful in their own way and design.

I have to love the way messages arrive. That was such a kicker into my overtired, overstressed, sleep deprived brain. It was a reminder from the Angel Jophiel to slow down and shift perspective. She is the guardian of creativity, interior designers and inspires beauty in home environments. Most people see a spider and come running with the tissue to smoosh and flush. In my world, spiders are to respect, not fear. Grandmother Spider is the builder, architect and ultimate interior designer. Those webs are a engineering miracle if you really look at one, before whacking it and the poor architect with a broom.

Like Grandma Spider in my bedroom ceiling corner, I"ve been busy weaving lately. Holiday preparations, helping plan a 50th birthday party, family drama, work- but unlike my little 8 legged friend, my results aren't always as tangible, or as lovely. I didn't quite have the heart to kill the spider, but I did gently shoo it outside.

It did inspire me to pull out the Medicine Cards again- and in my reading tonight, the Spider card made an appearance. It is the medicine of careful planning, building and patience. Think about it- the spider does not immediately consume its prey. There is something to be said about slowing down to savor the good things in life. It takes time and patience to weave a solid, sound web.

Blessings
Rachel

Halloween 2009

Oh What a Glorious Night it was- a complete revisit to some of my favorite childhood memories. My cousin im'd me with an offer I couldn't possibly refuse- Harry and Jackie were bringing their two girls to come and spend Halloween with their daughter.

Scott wasn't kidding when he told me his neighborhood is like a Norman Rockwell Halloween scene out of a movie. Houses were decorated, families were out with their kids, the leaves were in full color and the rain held off long enough to hit the neighborhood's hot spots for candy.

I am amazed at how high tech the costumes are now. The fairy girls had skirts with twinkle lights in them. Not too many homemade costumes, which is what I remember doing through most of my childhood. Time passes- yes, I'm old. One of my all time favorite costumes was Halloween age 7, same age as Charlotte and Jessica are now- I went as Pippi Longstocking. I had the orange tights and my mom actually figured out how to get my hair to do the gravity-defying braids. It was a favorite story, given to me by family friends from Sweden.

Now, it's all about Harry Potter characters, some absolutely freakish Skeletor type villains and those old reliable superheroes. I was sorely tempted to come in Rennie Garb, but knowing the weather was not cooperating and we'd be doing a lot of walking, felt it better to dress in the spirit of the holiday and not take the attention away from the kids. Out came my Salem T=shirt, the witchy brew socks and an irresistible call back to childhood.

The kids were adorable- we had two little Hermionie Grangers and a Bat Girl raring to go. Jessica and Annie live in NYC, so this was their first true "suburban" Halloween. They made out like bandits.

I love Halloween- mulled cider, leaves swirling down, the little ones running off their sugar high and mostly, the simple fun of being allowed to become someone else for a few hours.

Life in Present Tense

I forced myself to ignore the temptation to do nothing this morning. Set the egg timer for 15 minutes and actually got some of the household chores accomplished. No mean feat- lately, I've been back in blobhood. Too many decision, too much stress and entirely too many changes all at once- but then again, this is life.

Dad called me a few minutes ago half checking in, half guilt trip as I've not had the physical or emotional energy by the end of the day pick up the phone and engage in a conversation. Actually, there was a nice sense of constancy in having the same discussion yet again- kind of like the familiar comfort of going back to whatever your childhood holiday celebration rituals entail and just knowing how to do it right.

Dad lives purely in the present tense. And, who can blame him? He has an amazing present to enjoy. Lots of friends, the best of all possible companions and plans- always, plans. There's a valuable lesson there- he's truly found himself in his 7th decade.

It's time to go make a plan for today.