Epiphany

This week, I met with a new therapist. The Lyme's disease brings lots of things into my life including rounds of intense depression and agoraphobia. And yes, let's not forget more pain all through my body. It's been a rough summer in a lot of ways and finally, someone listened and retested me for the learning disabilities. I just knew that somewhere in that gift of challenge was part of an answer. Wait for it.....

I'm mildy autistic. While my exact diagnosis isn't set yet, it doesn't matter. It explains so much of why I struggle in social settings, have difficulty meeting eyes and a lot of other stuff that has puzzled me over the years. Not upset at hearing this in the least. Having an answer is a major relief. I'm not dissolving into the background. It is one of many facets that make me who I am. In truth, I'm feeling fortunate to have part of the puzzle in hand. And, thanking my stars that it isn't a severe form.

I'll never be a MENSA member, comfortable as the life of the party, learn something with ease or run the universe. And, I am fine with that. The point being, I can tap into my creativity and work around the blocks. Easy? No. It will require me to let go of a lot of fear, raises anxiety levels with any changes- but I've also been given a deep pool of strength. I'll jump in trusting there's enough to keep me swimming along in the pool. It takes a lot of everything to live life. Always remembering that I DO know how to swim!

Ah Epiphany! The gift of the autism and learning disabilities is my creativity. Sometimes what you aren't given leads you to something greater.

The flip side is learning how to handle the anxiety, depression, physical pain and other stuff without chemical intervention.

The last time the depression and pain increased, the prior psychiatrist insisted on trying mood stabilizing drugs coupled with a second pill to work on the physical pain from lymes and fibromyalgia. The first round left me with tics, the second did nothing, the third almost killed me. After realizing it was the medication making me suicidal, I did what you are not supposed to do- took myself off everything immediately. After that, I started searching for a non=pill pushing therapist. And, came to the decision that I'd rather be alive, sometimes depressed and in pain then dead. Keep the pills.

Being a student of the metaphysical realm now, it got me thinking about what the depression, lymes and everything else is trying to teach me. As usual, that was WAY too overwhelming for my brain, so I pulled 3 tarot cards. The question? How do I heal my body and what am I afraid to hear?

The answer- and you just have to love the tarot.... 4 of Swords, The Hermit and The Wheel of Fortune.

Rest and repose ( the card shows an effigy of a knight)
Solitude
Everything can and will change- cycles of life and seasons, karma

Yes, I am afraid to simply rest. My dreamtime tends to be vivid, intense and anything but restful. Yes, I am afraid at times, that I am too much of loner and happily ensconced in my crystal filled bear cave for one. And whoooo boy- the Wheel is always a challenge card for me. It's easy to jump on and embrace the upswings- a lot more challenging to do the same with the downswings- and later be grateful for the gifts that come out of the darkness.

I took this journal reading with me to my last appointment. I think finally I found one who isn't so quick with the pill pad. While I'm not so happy to be back on the therapy wheel again, I think this one may be a good match for me. He pulled some interesting insight for me out of that little reading. I have a long road ahead- but hopefully, I learn to walk it as a more complete, healthier and enlightened person.



One can always hope!

Kibbles and Bits and a bit of a Ramble

I recently met the new addition to the family. My cousin is the proud mommy of a gorgeous, coal black standard poodle puppy. We passed a nice evening, walking Shadow through the park, having dinner out on my deck and basically catching up with each other.

We went to Cranbury Park- a place that is near and dear to my heart. It was after all, my temple, a sanctuary where Muji and I spent many happy hours wandering the trails, enjoying a picnic lunch and meeting friends- human and canine. Watching Shadow explore a new dimension in his young world was such a pure moment of joy.

And, it reminded me of how much I miss Muji- godpuppy number 1 who taught me everything I needed to know about being a fairy dogmother. Those stolen hours on a Saturday were often my only hours away from work, family and other obligations. Once, someone at work was trying to get me to go to her church. My reply was thank you, but I worship in the Temple of Dog. While it was meant as a polite, funny response out of an awkward 'recruitment' situation, I've come to realize just how much truth was in my reply.

Muji taught me how to slow down, relax and savor time. He was funny- one of his best tricks was playing nose soccer with a won-ton dumpling. He, like me had lots of Gemni moments. There were times where he couldn't decide which toy he wanted and tried to carry both in his mouth at once. He was heaven to have on the foot of the bed at night, especially when it was cold. Being part chow, border collie and keeshond, he was warm, fuzzy, non judgemental and didn't snore. He was the master teacher of unconditional love. The photo is one of my favorites- it just shows his sweet personality to perfection.

Now, I carry all his precious lessons with me and Jack gets to have all the fun. My current godpuppy is a wonderful little fireball of energy, who also slows down long enough to snuggle and watch House reruns. I live for the times when I get to babysit. We go for rides, explore doggy friendly parks, take trips to the puppy toystore and in general, have a weeklong slumber party.

Ah, back to a place where life is simple- happiness is a dancing doggy happy to see you, a full jar of peanut butter dog treats and time to wander cool, leafy trails.