Is it over yet?

New Years Eve 2012

Well the world in general didn't end, but my world certainly changed.   As always, my heart and thoughts turn to Mom.   Her final 2 weeks on this earth began on New Years Eve and ended on January 15, 2004.   There have been many days over this past year where I've wished I could pick up a phone or see her in person for a heart to heart.   Or a good solid kick in the ass.  She was amazing at both and always seemed to know what was required. 

I can't say I've enjoyed 2012 all that much.  

January brought an awareness that my health is precarious and that I needed to make some tough choices about where my energy was invested.

February brought frustration about my job and lack of advancement- and the slim pickings of anything to improve the situation.

March saw family begin to experience health issues.  And the realization that things were about to change in a major way. 

April brought a test of love and faith we sent Jeff off for a wonderful new job opportunity. 

May and June were a blur of hospital visits for family members, and learning to adjust to life without my brother from a different mother no longer around the corner.  And growing tension from someone I trusted and considered a friend.

July brought the passing of a dear childhood friend.  It was unexpected and Jannie left behind a beautiful, spirited little girl.   If I could turn back time and change one event, I wish I could bring her back for Rosalie.   Through the loss came a gift- an opportunity to help others in a very real, creative and unique ministry.

August brought the end of my spiritual//social network and the loss of what I thought was a good, positive friendship and a opportunity to stretch my mind in new directions.   The tearing away was brutal, coming so soon after Jannie's death and Jeffi's move. 

We weathered Sandy, the Frankenstorm from hell, picked up the pieces and then got rocked to our core on December 14th.   Newtown is our neighbor.  We got a reminder about what matters.  And a lesson in forgiving.  I"m busily crocheting monsters for the children of Sandy Hook and keeping the families close in my thoughts as I try to find something kind to do for another person every day.   I am reminded that my car accident is nothing compared to what those families are going through this holiday season.   I need to get over my aggravation and be grateful.

 On Christmas Eve, I had my first real car accident and my beloved Baloo was totaled.  The accident was scary. All I can do is be grateful that the pedestrian crossing in front of my stopped car was clear before I got rammed from  behind.   Nobody was hurt. I collected my plates, belongings and paperwork on Friday.  The autobody shop owner was kind. He didn't laugh at me when I started bawling when he put the plates in my hands.   I really don't like SUV's now.- but that didn't stop me from test driving a couple- self defense can be a good thing.   And I got a reminder that help is there- but you have to ASK for it.   My dad is amazing- he immediately took all the panic, worry, stress and fear about the replacement away.   Thanks to him, I bring home a safe, solid and reliable new car today.   I couldn't find anything that fit into the settlement check amount from the insurance company.   I know, it's just metal, glass and plastic- but I loved my Civic.   I picked her out and paid for her all on my own.   Felt like I was sending a dear friend off to the scrapheap.  Not a good feeling.

And in the midst of all that chaos, came reconnections and new opportunities to work in creative, spiritual paths.   There's a new connection with Holy Needles, the work with the Spiritual Care department in the hospital, no additional injury from the car crash and relief that once I get over my stubborn independance and ask for help, dad was there for me.   There just aren't words enough- he took all the stress, worry and panic away.

I face 2013 a changed person, some for the better some not.  There are fears to face, blessings to count, anger to release, grudges to bury, new experiences to enjoy, memories to savor and visits to anticipate.


Welcome 2013.... may you bring us peace, love, joy,  patience,  tolerance- and SUV repellant.

Bitter Medicine, Sweet Cure

Sometimes those choices need to be made.  I hope it was the right one and I found the words to best get through what is in my heart. 

The Tower walls are falling and I wonder what the rebuild will look like this time. 

A lot of loss, some invaluable life lessons learned and now we see what comes next.

Giving Back

Tsedakah- or performing acts of kindness and charity for others, with no motive for gain for yourself is a large part of Judaism.  I readily admit, I've grown away from my religious roots as I've grown older, but recent events shook me back into remembering those early lessons.

While I fervently wish that it didn't take the passing of a dear, childhood friend to remind me, I'm viewing this as a gift from a very difficult loss- or perhaps a much needed celestial kick in the tush.   This weekend, I started my first projects for our local NICU.  My friend was a NICU nurse and fought hard to help those tiny babies grow strong and go to their families.   She often spoke of how grateful the unit was for anything soft, lovely and handmade to give to the families.  It was a small comfort for families going through a difficult, emotional experience.

So, I got my answer to what can I do to honor her memory and help others in need.   Two phone calls later and I have a donation wish list from my local hospital's wish list for the NICU.  I'm crafty, have materials on hand and time.   There is a need- for preemie sized blankets, hats, booties, mittens and onesies.  Sewing a bunting or simple blanket takes very little time.  I know I can make toys, little quilts and put those crochet hooks and skeins of yarn to good use.  Even rosaries and prayer beads as well.

There may be a few tears in the first few projects, but a whole lot of love too.

And Jannie, if you're watching from above... thank you for the reminder.   This is a much better use of time and energy.   Smile down and bless my hands dear friend.   They have a lot of work to do.

And the clock ticks faster than the Tasmanian Devil on a Pixie Stix Rush.....

Boy does time fly- and in 10 short days, we send Jeffri off to the wilds of Alexandria, VA.  We took a pilgrimage to Mecca (Container Store) for  boxes and other moving supplies.  At the counter, there was a blurb about how to survive sending your kid off to college.

How about one for sending friends off to new ventures?

How I spent my winter "vacation"

Well, it is a more positive spin on being on doctor ordered house arrest due to a serious bout of pneumonia.   Apparently, prednisone is a great creative kick in the pants and I ended up creating 70 tarot bags.  I've been playing with applique, bead embroidery and quilting for rebels techniques for a while now, but all of a sudden, it all came together.   I love playing with pairing different fabrics together and working in miniature just makes it a greater challenge.   

Jeffri and I often joke about locking the Inner Perfectionist in the basement with Robert's Rules of Order.  I learned to do this years ago.   When you have learning differences, you almost have to accept that  perfection is not going to happen.    It's more about the process than the end result for me.  I never fail to learn from each project- and that is really what the creative process is about- at least in my little corner of the world.

The four bags pictured here came out of a personal testing- they are works of faith and a gift from Spirit and my Creative Muse.    Better known as the Divinely Demanding Duo.

First is Fire Fairy.  She is surrounded by carnelian and citrine beads.   The original version/vision included a fairy wand with a toasted marshmallow star on top.  I blame the codeine based cough syrup and thankfully, had a "revision".

Next, is Water Fairy.  She has freshwater pearls and cradles a baby dolphin in her hands.  Of the four, she was the greatest technical challenge.  Very difficult to piece the image together.   The trim is actually shells and pearls.   Love the fabrics in this bag- I guess I found my inner mermaid.

Little Miss Airy Fairy with a lapis and blue lace agate wand.  She was the first one to come into vision.  I wish I could float above without a care in the world.  The inspiration for this one?  A mostly forgotten dream but the only part I remember was clearly hearing, 'LOOK UP!"

And perhaps my favorite of the four.  I am a water baby by birth but a gnome at heart.  I love this happy little gnome surrounded by tiger eye and peridot.   He was a bit of a challenge as well, but I love the richness of the fabric and pop of the flowers in the ribbon.

Are they perfect?  Not by  a long shot.  Do I love them- absolutely.  It will be hard to let my babies go, but that is also part of the creative process.  For someone's tarot or oracle decks, I hope these will provide a happy home and inspire great readings.

And the Demanding Duo is already poking me with ideas for the next crop of tarot bags.   For now,  I savor the rare sight of bare coffee table and not having plastic bins of fabric exploding all over my apartment.

Rising from the Tar Pit.. sort of

The first two weeks of January tend to be a challenging time of year.  I spent most of the this weekend alternating between laughter and tears as I absorb that Mom left this world 8 years ago.   Our relationship was good, but complicated, as mother-daughter relationships often are- she was strong willed, opinionated and her vision of my life didn't always jibe with my own.   There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about mom and miss her.

What shook me out of it a bit, was an email sent my my cousin in law.  My uncle has alzheimers and now my cousin needs to sort out what is best for him.   And, her mother is in need of surgery.  Another friend just lost her beloved uncle.  And my boss's younger brother is terminally ill.  For the first time, I find myself grateful that while Mom's death was completely unexpected, she was spared Alzheimers, which I think was where she was heading.  We were already seeing some early memory loss and other signs.  

Our parents are aging- and it is a bittersweet experience.  My relationship with Dad is cordial, but distant.  He's very much living in present tense and happy.   He has a warm, loving girlfriend and her extended family including her great-granddaughter.   Life just didn't deal the cards we hope they will, but he's a great example of making every day count.

When asked how I felt about the new year, my answer was disconnected.  My resolution is to reconnect.  And figure out how to make my days count for something more important than moping in my own tar pit.