Drifting Along

Seems to be the theme of my days now. An endless cycle of logging in, checking the job websites, maybe an interview- and then attempting to figure out what to do with the remaining 14 hours in the day- that doesn't involve spending money.

Maybe it is the heat of summer or the realization that if I walk out the door, I'm going to spend money. Or, it could simply be that I reached my final birthday in my 30's. That was a stunning realization. Oh my god- where did the last 10 years go? Irony? I'm in EXACTLY the same place I was this time 10 years ago. Out of work, facing a career change and freaking out about money. Scary- you bet. 5 year plan.... yeah, right- 'scuse me while i fall on the floor and laugh my #ss off.

I sat here yesterday and indulged in a good, old fashioned pity party. Yes, I'd like some whine for the cheese. And, why shouldn't I? Right after I got fired- or released from Energy Hell as I prefer to think of it, I hit the ground running. I was calling recruiters as I left the parking garage. Rather like the time immediately after someone dies, I got distracted with survival mode, making sure plans were made, unemployment and health insurance arranged- somewhere in there, I forgot to allow myself some time to cry, get pissed and grieve. I miss my paycheck. I miss the few friends I had there more.

Now, the constant rejection settles in- and it is sometimes hard to keep positive. I turned down an offer, early into my search because I knew it wasn't enough to support me. Now, comes the second guessing. I'm horrible with free time on my hands- and not so disciplined with sitting down to "work" on finding a job every single day.

And, having lymes has made me shift in different directions. When you have 4 good hours a day, how do you make the most of them? Lately, my days and nights are totally shifted- they've been doing construction at night, right below my bedroom window for months. I begin to twitch at the sight of a construction worker now. Maybe the Vampire Blood Bank has openings?

No answers, only more questions. Maybe one of these days I'll figure out what I'm supposed to do when I grow up- or not.